Beware the Workplace Zombies
Warning: This is an alert about a serious workplace epidemic.
Take a close look around your office one of these days. You may find to your horror that your workplace is infested with zombies. Be careful - just one of these zombies is enough to suck the energy out of the room. More than one and your whole building may be in danger.
These zombies slowly and quietly suck energy and optimism. It's what they feed off of until they've left those around them feeling empty and wanting. They start with the nearest cube neighbor and move on one person at a time until they can enlist the aid of their newest recruits to take over the floor. Then they move to the stairs.
How can you identify these creatures? Well they're not the zombies of recent Hollywood movies. It's more difficult because they may look just like you and your friends. They aren't. Trust me. You need to look closer at the traits they exhibit if you have any prayer of escaping their clutches.
A workplace zombie:
- Shuffles quietly through the halls, head down.
- Refuses to make eye contact.
- Will absolutely not return your greeting. In fact they may appear scared or embarrassed.
- Leave no impression on anyone. Try as you may, and as much as you glance at their name plate or ID badge you simply cannot remember their name for any length of time.
- Appears as if they are simply waiting for the end of the world.
- Talks doom and gloom, if they say anything at all.
- Is looking to take you down with them.
- Wants to remain a loner. They will however turn others into shuffling, soul suckers but then want to be left alone.
- Can occassionally be overheard muttering phrases such as, "Thank God it's finally Friday", or "I've been better" when asked "How are you?"
You can't befriend them. You can't change them. And you absolutely cannot let them persuade you that life is an endless ordeal meant to be endured. Distance yourself as best you can and when you doze off in your cubicle for an afternoon siesta, remember to sleep with one eye open.
You can't defeat them, but you just may survive until retirement.
Take a close look around your office one of these days. You may find to your horror that your workplace is infested with zombies. Be careful - just one of these zombies is enough to suck the energy out of the room. More than one and your whole building may be in danger.
These zombies slowly and quietly suck energy and optimism. It's what they feed off of until they've left those around them feeling empty and wanting. They start with the nearest cube neighbor and move on one person at a time until they can enlist the aid of their newest recruits to take over the floor. Then they move to the stairs.
How can you identify these creatures? Well they're not the zombies of recent Hollywood movies. It's more difficult because they may look just like you and your friends. They aren't. Trust me. You need to look closer at the traits they exhibit if you have any prayer of escaping their clutches.
A workplace zombie:
- Shuffles quietly through the halls, head down.
- Refuses to make eye contact.
- Will absolutely not return your greeting. In fact they may appear scared or embarrassed.
- Leave no impression on anyone. Try as you may, and as much as you glance at their name plate or ID badge you simply cannot remember their name for any length of time.
- Appears as if they are simply waiting for the end of the world.
- Talks doom and gloom, if they say anything at all.
- Is looking to take you down with them.
- Wants to remain a loner. They will however turn others into shuffling, soul suckers but then want to be left alone.
- Can occassionally be overheard muttering phrases such as, "Thank God it's finally Friday", or "I've been better" when asked "How are you?"
You can't befriend them. You can't change them. And you absolutely cannot let them persuade you that life is an endless ordeal meant to be endured. Distance yourself as best you can and when you doze off in your cubicle for an afternoon siesta, remember to sleep with one eye open.
You can't defeat them, but you just may survive until retirement.
posted by Jeff Jankowski | 8:15 PM
2 Comments:
Hilarious post, Jeff! I've worked with the zombies...they're awful! Would love to hear a description of the actual person or even that inspired the post! My favorite thing about the zombies is how you can mess with them by just continuing to be pleasant....you have to or they'll suck the life right out of you.
Nobody in marketing, but there are definitely some zombies in Black Rock. I'll point them out to you this week but I'm betting you won't be able to recall their names either! :)
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